Trust and grace

I'm not sure how to word this post in a way that won't sound self-seeking, like false modesty. Here goes, hopefully...

I live a very blessed life. God has given me various abilities and has allowed me to see success in using them. I tend to succeed in what I do. This weekend, I was complimented on several different occasions for several different things. I don't like being told how good I am at things - I don't like it when I'm introduced to new people and all that is said about me is how good I am at something. It scares me to be known for those things because it makes me afraid to mess up. If I am known and valued for what I am good at, if I mess up, I'll lose my value, I'll disappoint the people around me and they won't want me around any more.

I think, because of this, I have a fear that my problems, the real Amy, is too much for the people around me. I don't ask for help because I'm afraid that if I rely on other people, I'll be too heavy, they won't want to support me. So, I tell you that everything will be ok, and I do whatever needs to get done, and I internalize it, or journal it, and rarely do I share it. I'll do what needs to be done and I'll joke about it because that's what I think you value.

This, I'm beginning to understand, is evidence that I do not fully understand the work of God's grace in my life. My talents will never be enough to sustain me. This way of living cannot succeed. When I derive my worth from what others think of me, and I convince myself that the opinions of others are based solely on what I can do for them (what I'm good at), I am operating under the mindset that I on my own can amount to something. It's impossible, it's exhausting, and it's totally erroneous.

Instead, I need to continually be brought back to Christ's death and resurrection, the only reason that there is any hope for any true success or genuine restoration on this earth. I need to regain perspective - it's not about me at all, not about what I can do or can't do. Instead, it is Christ that has initiated, begun, and will continue to transform my heart to match his and therefore to use me to bring him glory in what I do.

My friend Jonathan preached today on the passage from Isaiah 6 when Isaiah saw the Lord (well, his robes, throne, and seraphim). He talked about how when Isaiah saw the glory of the Lord he was filled with disgust at his unclean mouth and the unclean mouths of his people. Then, a seraphim took tongs and picked up a burning coal and touched it to Isaiah's lips. Finally, Isaiah heard the Lord ask who would go speak for Him and Isaiah said, "here I am, send me." Isaiah became sickeningly aware of his sin in the presence of the Lord, bit he could do nothing to restore himself, the renewal was all God's. Ultimately, I am vile and worthless, unable to stop my sin, but God sees, God restores, and God sends. It's not about me... It's not about what I'm good at. It's all about God and his plan for renewing his world.