One week down...

Thirty something left.

When you put it that way, the school year seems so short. When you're in the middle of the first week of school and it seems like you've been going for forever already, the school year seems fairly infinite. Guess it's all relative. Oh, Einstein.

Once again, I am in a situation which reminds me how deeply relational I am and how that affects me in the work environment. When I don't trust those around me (especially anyone in authority over me), or feel negative tension, I:
1. try to work around it and through it (not confront it)
2. try to bury any emotions I am feeling about it
3. eventually can't avoid any more and break down
4. am finally aware that avoidance is not possible and start to work through it.

Steps 1-3 are highly unfortunate... I must continue to grow in the understanding that I on my own cannot do anything (not fully internalizing that leads to number 1, where I don't want to end up ruining anything so I convince myself that the tension is all on my side or something that I can fix by just flexing who I am). I must learn that a real understanding of the grace of God leads to an ability to let myself be vulnerable around others (which would prevent the idea that showing hurt is showing weakness and maybe people around me won't understand or won't value me any more - #2). I must have confidence that my identity is rooted so firmly in Christ and only in Christ - His providence for me has absolutely no dependence on my strength or my ability to grin and bear conflict (which relates to #3, because regardless of how long I try to hold everything in, eventually it all comes out). I need to have faith that God is in control even in conflict, and that He will work out disagreements for His glory, whatever that may mean (which means I don't have to avoid it - my fears are foolish because He will work it out).

Whew.

Today, my boss gave me a set of sermons on Romans to listen to. I'm pretty sure it's about time I revisited that book.

P.S. I read this article recently and really found it interesting.