I'm not sure how to word this post in a way that won't sound self-seeking, like false modesty. Here goes, hopefully...
I live a very blessed life. God has given me various abilities and has allowed me to see success in using them. I tend to succeed in what I do. This weekend, I was complimented on several different occasions for several different things. I don't like being told how good I am at things - I don't like it when I'm introduced to new people and all that is said about me is how good I am at something. It scares me to be known for those things because it makes me afraid to mess up. If I am known and valued for what I am good at, if I mess up, I'll lose my value, I'll disappoint the people around me and they won't want me around any more.
I think, because of this, I have a fear that my problems, the real Amy, is too much for the people around me. I don't ask for help because I'm afraid that if I rely on other people, I'll be too heavy, they won't want to support me. So, I tell you that everything will be ok, and I do whatever needs to get done, and I internalize it, or journal it, and rarely do I share it. I'll do what needs to be done and I'll joke about it because that's what I think you value.
This, I'm beginning to understand, is evidence that I do not fully understand the work of God's grace in my life. My talents will never be enough to sustain me. This way of living cannot succeed. When I derive my worth from what others think of me, and I convince myself that the opinions of others are based solely on what I can do for them (what I'm good at), I am operating under the mindset that I on my own can amount to something. It's impossible, it's exhausting, and it's totally erroneous.
Instead, I need to continually be brought back to Christ's death and resurrection, the only reason that there is any hope for any true success or genuine restoration on this earth. I need to regain perspective - it's not about me at all, not about what I can do or can't do. Instead, it is Christ that has initiated, begun, and will continue to transform my heart to match his and therefore to use me to bring him glory in what I do.
My friend Jonathan preached today on the passage from Isaiah 6 when Isaiah saw the Lord (well, his robes, throne, and seraphim). He talked about how when Isaiah saw the glory of the Lord he was filled with disgust at his unclean mouth and the unclean mouths of his people. Then, a seraphim took tongs and picked up a burning coal and touched it to Isaiah's lips. Finally, Isaiah heard the Lord ask who would go speak for Him and Isaiah said, "here I am, send me." Isaiah became sickeningly aware of his sin in the presence of the Lord, bit he could do nothing to restore himself, the renewal was all God's. Ultimately, I am vile and worthless, unable to stop my sin, but God sees, God restores, and God sends. It's not about me... It's not about what I'm good at. It's all about God and his plan for renewing his world.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Les Mis and grace... in the education world
Thursday night was Parents' Night - an evening in which parents attend 6 min. versions of all of their students' classes, get to meet teachers and other parents, and eat finger food (because every event has food). I had two interactions with parents (one positive and one not) in which I was reminded how central grace and imputation are in our everyday lives.
Without getting into details, I'll say this: when we do not have a complete understanding of what it means to be fully and completely redeemed by the grace of God, when we are driven by a fear of failure rather than a freedom that allows us to risk with a confidence that it is not about us, we are crippled by a fear that we will mess everything up. We seek rigid rules, looking for standards to live up to, structure that we can conform to in order to not fail. So afraid that failure will be our fault, we continually try to identify weakness in the structure around us in order to make sure failure cannot be attributed to us. Either we live in constant anxiety that what we are doing will not succeed or we live in constant fear that the rules won't hold up in the end and that there is no way we can possibly succeed.
Students approach tests, papers, etc. with the fear that either they haven't prepared properly, they don't have the skills in the first place, or they haven't been given the tools they need to succeed. Fear of failure prevents them from taking risks, from approaching tests, papers, etc. as an opportunity to use what they know and to challenge themselves to push harder, to piece together their knowledge and apply it on a greater scale. While this is most apparent in the tendency of students (mostly girls) to anxiously dread not knowing the right answer (failure is their fault), it's also apparent in the tendency of students (mostly boys) to find fault in the system and therefore not try, rather than try and fail.
This brings me to Les Mis. My friend Sara sent me lyrics from Les Mis this week in an e-mail, so of course, I had to watch the movie (not the musical, so not quite good enough) and then listen to the soundtrack. Javert, the inspector who spends his whole life trying to bring Jean Valjean to "justice", makes me so sad. Mostly, he makes me sad because I recognize in Javert my tendency to adhere so strictly to rules because rules feel safe. He sings:
He knows his way in the dark
Mine is the way of the Lord
And those who follow the path of the righteous
Shall have their reward
And if they fall
As Lucifer fell
The flame
The sword!
And so it has been and so it is written
On the doorway to paradise
That those who falter and those who fall
Must pay the price!
Javert is afraid of Valjean because Valjean broke the rules and yet is able to experience freedom and happiness that Javert has never had. If Valjean can have this life, it means that vigilance in following the rules does not assure happiness. Instead, Valjean's continual breaking of the rules (Fantine, Cossette, etc.) brings him increasing happiness. In the end, Valjean's mercy to Javert leads Javert to end his life. Javert cannot continue life knowing that the system of laws and rules he has followed is false. He sings:
How can I now allow this man
To hold dominion over me?
This desperate man that I have hunted
He gave me my life. He gave me freedom.
I should have parished by his hand
It was his right
It was my right to die as well
Instead I live.. but live in hell
And my thoughts fly apart
Can this man be believed?
Shall his sins be forgiven?
Shall his crimes be reprieved?
And must I now begin to doubt
Who never doubted all these years?
My heart is stone and still it trembles
The world I have known is lost in shadow
Is he from heaven or from hell?
And does he know
That granting me my life today
This man has killed me, even so?
I am reaching but I fall
And the stars are black and cold
As I stare into the void
Of a world that cannot hold
I'll escape now from that world
From the world of Jean Valjean
There is nowhere I can turn
There is no way to go on
A world of grace and mercy is too much for a man who has motivated his life to following the rules and making others do the same. So.... how do I, as a teacher, help little Javerts become Valjeans before it's too late?
Without getting into details, I'll say this: when we do not have a complete understanding of what it means to be fully and completely redeemed by the grace of God, when we are driven by a fear of failure rather than a freedom that allows us to risk with a confidence that it is not about us, we are crippled by a fear that we will mess everything up. We seek rigid rules, looking for standards to live up to, structure that we can conform to in order to not fail. So afraid that failure will be our fault, we continually try to identify weakness in the structure around us in order to make sure failure cannot be attributed to us. Either we live in constant anxiety that what we are doing will not succeed or we live in constant fear that the rules won't hold up in the end and that there is no way we can possibly succeed.
Students approach tests, papers, etc. with the fear that either they haven't prepared properly, they don't have the skills in the first place, or they haven't been given the tools they need to succeed. Fear of failure prevents them from taking risks, from approaching tests, papers, etc. as an opportunity to use what they know and to challenge themselves to push harder, to piece together their knowledge and apply it on a greater scale. While this is most apparent in the tendency of students (mostly girls) to anxiously dread not knowing the right answer (failure is their fault), it's also apparent in the tendency of students (mostly boys) to find fault in the system and therefore not try, rather than try and fail.
This brings me to Les Mis. My friend Sara sent me lyrics from Les Mis this week in an e-mail, so of course, I had to watch the movie (not the musical, so not quite good enough) and then listen to the soundtrack. Javert, the inspector who spends his whole life trying to bring Jean Valjean to "justice", makes me so sad. Mostly, he makes me sad because I recognize in Javert my tendency to adhere so strictly to rules because rules feel safe. He sings:
He knows his way in the dark
Mine is the way of the Lord
And those who follow the path of the righteous
Shall have their reward
And if they fall
As Lucifer fell
The flame
The sword!
And so it has been and so it is written
On the doorway to paradise
That those who falter and those who fall
Must pay the price!
Javert is afraid of Valjean because Valjean broke the rules and yet is able to experience freedom and happiness that Javert has never had. If Valjean can have this life, it means that vigilance in following the rules does not assure happiness. Instead, Valjean's continual breaking of the rules (Fantine, Cossette, etc.) brings him increasing happiness. In the end, Valjean's mercy to Javert leads Javert to end his life. Javert cannot continue life knowing that the system of laws and rules he has followed is false. He sings:
How can I now allow this man
To hold dominion over me?
This desperate man that I have hunted
He gave me my life. He gave me freedom.
I should have parished by his hand
It was his right
It was my right to die as well
Instead I live.. but live in hell
And my thoughts fly apart
Can this man be believed?
Shall his sins be forgiven?
Shall his crimes be reprieved?
And must I now begin to doubt
Who never doubted all these years?
My heart is stone and still it trembles
The world I have known is lost in shadow
Is he from heaven or from hell?
And does he know
That granting me my life today
This man has killed me, even so?
I am reaching but I fall
And the stars are black and cold
As I stare into the void
Of a world that cannot hold
I'll escape now from that world
From the world of Jean Valjean
There is nowhere I can turn
There is no way to go on
A world of grace and mercy is too much for a man who has motivated his life to following the rules and making others do the same. So.... how do I, as a teacher, help little Javerts become Valjeans before it's too late?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I should be writing a multiple choice test...
... but I'm not. Instead, I am once again thinking about what I do and why I do it (professionally, interpersonally, recreationally, etc.).
This morning, I met with a new student who is already very behind in my class and who has not yet shown signs of wishing to apply himself. I showed him the multiple assignments in which he did not do the work asked and explained that 1. this level of work will not allow him to pass my class and 2. his demeanor did not indicate a desire to pass my class, which therefore did not make me feel inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't make eye contact. He barely responded. At the end, I told him that I hoped we could have a positive relationship this year. I was sure he had blown me off. Then, in class today, he sat up, actively participated, asked questions when he did not understand, and provided positively to the atmosphere of the class. He's just a child really... sometimes I need to remember how much they need love AND structure.
Last evening, I was walking through our dining hall and stopped to say hi to two of my 10th grade girls. They had stayed late to work on homework, and they were working diligently. One of the girls asked me if I would look over a paragraph she was writing for another class. This was significant because last year the two of us had spent long hours in my classroom working to help her put her thoughts into coherent sentences and cohesive paragraphs (she doesn't speak English at home and used to believe she would never be able to pass an essay). As she handed it to me, she was beaming... obviously, she wanted my praise more than my advice. The beautiful thing is, her paragraph was really good. She gets it and she knows it... she's getting As and Bs this year instead of Cs and Ds.
Yesterday afternoon, my girls won their soccer game 6-1. The other team was small and never really had a chance, but, more importantly, my girls did what was asked of them and did it well. They played as a team and encouraged one another. They laughed and had fun. They supported the other team.
Sometimes, in my desire to constantly improve, in my high expectations, in my belief that I should be able to meet all the needs around me, I lose sight of what's true. God has placed me here for now to teach these kids how to strive after Him and while doing so to strive for excellence in all aspects of life. I can only do that when I am striving after Him myself.
This morning, I met with a new student who is already very behind in my class and who has not yet shown signs of wishing to apply himself. I showed him the multiple assignments in which he did not do the work asked and explained that 1. this level of work will not allow him to pass my class and 2. his demeanor did not indicate a desire to pass my class, which therefore did not make me feel inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't make eye contact. He barely responded. At the end, I told him that I hoped we could have a positive relationship this year. I was sure he had blown me off. Then, in class today, he sat up, actively participated, asked questions when he did not understand, and provided positively to the atmosphere of the class. He's just a child really... sometimes I need to remember how much they need love AND structure.
Last evening, I was walking through our dining hall and stopped to say hi to two of my 10th grade girls. They had stayed late to work on homework, and they were working diligently. One of the girls asked me if I would look over a paragraph she was writing for another class. This was significant because last year the two of us had spent long hours in my classroom working to help her put her thoughts into coherent sentences and cohesive paragraphs (she doesn't speak English at home and used to believe she would never be able to pass an essay). As she handed it to me, she was beaming... obviously, she wanted my praise more than my advice. The beautiful thing is, her paragraph was really good. She gets it and she knows it... she's getting As and Bs this year instead of Cs and Ds.
Yesterday afternoon, my girls won their soccer game 6-1. The other team was small and never really had a chance, but, more importantly, my girls did what was asked of them and did it well. They played as a team and encouraged one another. They laughed and had fun. They supported the other team.
Sometimes, in my desire to constantly improve, in my high expectations, in my belief that I should be able to meet all the needs around me, I lose sight of what's true. God has placed me here for now to teach these kids how to strive after Him and while doing so to strive for excellence in all aspects of life. I can only do that when I am striving after Him myself.
Friday, September 11, 2009
One week down...
Thirty something left.
When you put it that way, the school year seems so short. When you're in the middle of the first week of school and it seems like you've been going for forever already, the school year seems fairly infinite. Guess it's all relative. Oh, Einstein.
Once again, I am in a situation which reminds me how deeply relational I am and how that affects me in the work environment. When I don't trust those around me (especially anyone in authority over me), or feel negative tension, I:
1. try to work around it and through it (not confront it)
2. try to bury any emotions I am feeling about it
3. eventually can't avoid any more and break down
4. am finally aware that avoidance is not possible and start to work through it.
Steps 1-3 are highly unfortunate... I must continue to grow in the understanding that I on my own cannot do anything (not fully internalizing that leads to number 1, where I don't want to end up ruining anything so I convince myself that the tension is all on my side or something that I can fix by just flexing who I am). I must learn that a real understanding of the grace of God leads to an ability to let myself be vulnerable around others (which would prevent the idea that showing hurt is showing weakness and maybe people around me won't understand or won't value me any more - #2). I must have confidence that my identity is rooted so firmly in Christ and only in Christ - His providence for me has absolutely no dependence on my strength or my ability to grin and bear conflict (which relates to #3, because regardless of how long I try to hold everything in, eventually it all comes out). I need to have faith that God is in control even in conflict, and that He will work out disagreements for His glory, whatever that may mean (which means I don't have to avoid it - my fears are foolish because He will work it out).
Whew.
Today, my boss gave me a set of sermons on Romans to listen to. I'm pretty sure it's about time I revisited that book.
P.S. I read this article recently and really found it interesting.
When you put it that way, the school year seems so short. When you're in the middle of the first week of school and it seems like you've been going for forever already, the school year seems fairly infinite. Guess it's all relative. Oh, Einstein.
Once again, I am in a situation which reminds me how deeply relational I am and how that affects me in the work environment. When I don't trust those around me (especially anyone in authority over me), or feel negative tension, I:
1. try to work around it and through it (not confront it)
2. try to bury any emotions I am feeling about it
3. eventually can't avoid any more and break down
4. am finally aware that avoidance is not possible and start to work through it.
Steps 1-3 are highly unfortunate... I must continue to grow in the understanding that I on my own cannot do anything (not fully internalizing that leads to number 1, where I don't want to end up ruining anything so I convince myself that the tension is all on my side or something that I can fix by just flexing who I am). I must learn that a real understanding of the grace of God leads to an ability to let myself be vulnerable around others (which would prevent the idea that showing hurt is showing weakness and maybe people around me won't understand or won't value me any more - #2). I must have confidence that my identity is rooted so firmly in Christ and only in Christ - His providence for me has absolutely no dependence on my strength or my ability to grin and bear conflict (which relates to #3, because regardless of how long I try to hold everything in, eventually it all comes out). I need to have faith that God is in control even in conflict, and that He will work out disagreements for His glory, whatever that may mean (which means I don't have to avoid it - my fears are foolish because He will work it out).
Whew.
Today, my boss gave me a set of sermons on Romans to listen to. I'm pretty sure it's about time I revisited that book.
P.S. I read this article recently and really found it interesting.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Lovely friends in far away places
One of the downsides of having really cool friends is that they love Jesus and love people so much that they go far away to do really amazing things. I'm blessed to have them as friends, but it's sad that they're so far away. Here are two of them...
This is Kari. We lived together on Third South English at Taylor and worked a summer at Grace Adventures together. She has a huge heart for people, especially women. She loves genuinely and deeply and challenges me to do the same. She is also SUPER cute, very creative, fun-loving, adventurous, and I could go on and on. Currently, she's working in Kolkata, India with the International Justice Mission. I love her!
This is Margie... or Margie Face... or Margie B... or... well, it goes on. She and I also went to Taylor together, and worked at Grace Adventures together. She loves culture and community and people in other cultures, especially the Middle East. She takes on new challenges with a laugh and a smile and a positive attitude and she has a deep faith in God that allows her to love all people and to love them well. Her compassion and her ability to make everyone around her feel loved and important and cool is very admirable. She's cuddly, silly, adventurous, creative, fun-loving, caring... yeah, she's the best. Currently, she's working with Iraqi refugees in Amman, Jordan.
Kari and Margie, you teach me how to trust God, to take chances, to love people genuinely, and to have fun doing it. I miss you!
This is Kari. We lived together on Third South English at Taylor and worked a summer at Grace Adventures together. She has a huge heart for people, especially women. She loves genuinely and deeply and challenges me to do the same. She is also SUPER cute, very creative, fun-loving, adventurous, and I could go on and on. Currently, she's working in Kolkata, India with the International Justice Mission. I love her!
This is Margie... or Margie Face... or Margie B... or... well, it goes on. She and I also went to Taylor together, and worked at Grace Adventures together. She loves culture and community and people in other cultures, especially the Middle East. She takes on new challenges with a laugh and a smile and a positive attitude and she has a deep faith in God that allows her to love all people and to love them well. Her compassion and her ability to make everyone around her feel loved and important and cool is very admirable. She's cuddly, silly, adventurous, creative, fun-loving, caring... yeah, she's the best. Currently, she's working with Iraqi refugees in Amman, Jordan.
Kari and Margie, you teach me how to trust God, to take chances, to love people genuinely, and to have fun doing it. I miss you!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
First day back
Classes started today. The first day is (relatively) easy. Get the kids where they need to be, introduce yourself, read through the course expectations (to be read: give them a healthy respect for your class if they didn't have it already (to be read: make them tremble in fear when they see you walk in the room)), introduce the course, make fun of students, etc.
The kid part is the easy part. I like the kids and (in general) the kids like me. It's the other parts of teaching that I'm not so sold about. When it comes down to it, I don't really care if sophomore boys understand Shakespeare's use of ambiguity. I like Shakespeare, I think he's clever, but there are dozens of other things I think are more important for 10th grade boys to discuss. For example: who am I (specifically, who am I because of what Christ did), what do I care about (or should I care about), and what am I going to do about that? Can those questions be answered through the vehicle of a literature class? Yes. Is that the most effective vehicle for me? Not sure.
When I began teaching, it was with the plan to teach for 2-3 years to get experience and then re-evaluate where God was leading. Now that I'm entering my 3rd year of teaching, I'm finding myself very torn. I love my kids, I love the school (I think this school is highly effective - it does what it sets out to do and it does it well), I love challenging kids to think, I love Boston... yet, I'm increasingly unsettled in what I'm doing. Is there a better vehicle for conversing with high schoolers (particularly urban high schoolers) about who they are (specifically, who they are because of who Christ is and what he did), what they care about (or should care about), and what they're going to do about it? I'm not sure.
If you're someone who prays for me (thank you), I'd appreciate you praying for direction for me. 1. is this what God has for me after this year? 2. if not, what? 3. how in the world do I go about pursuing something else?
The kid part is the easy part. I like the kids and (in general) the kids like me. It's the other parts of teaching that I'm not so sold about. When it comes down to it, I don't really care if sophomore boys understand Shakespeare's use of ambiguity. I like Shakespeare, I think he's clever, but there are dozens of other things I think are more important for 10th grade boys to discuss. For example: who am I (specifically, who am I because of what Christ did), what do I care about (or should I care about), and what am I going to do about that? Can those questions be answered through the vehicle of a literature class? Yes. Is that the most effective vehicle for me? Not sure.
When I began teaching, it was with the plan to teach for 2-3 years to get experience and then re-evaluate where God was leading. Now that I'm entering my 3rd year of teaching, I'm finding myself very torn. I love my kids, I love the school (I think this school is highly effective - it does what it sets out to do and it does it well), I love challenging kids to think, I love Boston... yet, I'm increasingly unsettled in what I'm doing. Is there a better vehicle for conversing with high schoolers (particularly urban high schoolers) about who they are (specifically, who they are because of who Christ is and what he did), what they care about (or should care about), and what they're going to do about it? I'm not sure.
If you're someone who prays for me (thank you), I'd appreciate you praying for direction for me. 1. is this what God has for me after this year? 2. if not, what? 3. how in the world do I go about pursuing something else?
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Fear the Lord
This might be a "duh" statement, but I really struggle to understand how to fear the Lord. Unfortunate, because it seems that fearing the Lord is the basis for so much in the Christian life...
"Do not take advantage of one another, but fear your God." (Lev. 25:17)
"And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?" (Deut. 10:12-13)
"And he said to man,
'The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom,
and to shun evil is understanding.'" (Job 28:28)
"Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.
The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them." (Psalm 25:12-14)
And it goes on and on (especially in Proverbs) in the Old Testament, and even in the New Testament, the early church grew as it was living in the fear of the Lord (Acts 9:31).
Today I was reading Psalm 34, in which the Psalmist says:
"Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do god seek peace and pursue it" (Ps. 34:11-14).
In his book, Favorite Psalms: Growing Closer to God, John Stott says, "To fear God is not, of course, to be frightened of him. Its meaning here is plain from its equivalents, namely, to 'seek' him (v. 4), to 'call' him (v. 6) and 'take refuge' in him (v. 8), acknowledging our helplessness and looking to him for deliverance (compare Luke 1:50)... No one can claim to fear God who does not depart from evil both in word (v. 13) and in deed (v. 14). Nor is it enough to turn away from evil; we must positively do good and patiently pursue peace (v. 14)."
Convicting, because I've become increasingly aware of the amount of foolishness that comes out of my mouth on a regular basis. I talk for the wrong reasons. I want to use my words to impress, to entertain, to make people think better of me. I so often speak as a means of taking from others, rather than speaking as a means of giving love/hope/peace/etc. If I fear the Lord, it is His wisdom that will come out of my mouth, and I won't feel the need to fill conversation with self-seeking and useless words. If"out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks," my heart is not filled with what it should be filled with (Matt. 12:34).
Here's where you come in. If you are in conversation with me, and I am speaking foolishness, stop me. If my conversation seems self-seeking, if I'm focused on me instead of being focused on you, call me out. I genuinely want to be someone who is known for the depth of her love for others, as seen in the way she listens, cares, responds with sincerity. Yet, so often that level of genuine conversation must come from a level of vulnerability to which I am scared to go, from a security that it really doesn't matter what you think of me because it's not about me at all. Hopefully, as I learn to fear the Lord my perspective will continue to shift - I will further internalize that it's not about me at all, so vulnerability is not something to be afraid of but something to welcome, because my identity comes only from Christ on the cross.
Please help me in this.
"Do not take advantage of one another, but fear your God." (Lev. 25:17)
"And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?" (Deut. 10:12-13)
"And he said to man,
'The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom,
and to shun evil is understanding.'" (Job 28:28)
"Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.
The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them." (Psalm 25:12-14)
And it goes on and on (especially in Proverbs) in the Old Testament, and even in the New Testament, the early church grew as it was living in the fear of the Lord (Acts 9:31).
Today I was reading Psalm 34, in which the Psalmist says:
"Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do god seek peace and pursue it" (Ps. 34:11-14).
In his book, Favorite Psalms: Growing Closer to God, John Stott says, "To fear God is not, of course, to be frightened of him. Its meaning here is plain from its equivalents, namely, to 'seek' him (v. 4), to 'call' him (v. 6) and 'take refuge' in him (v. 8), acknowledging our helplessness and looking to him for deliverance (compare Luke 1:50)... No one can claim to fear God who does not depart from evil both in word (v. 13) and in deed (v. 14). Nor is it enough to turn away from evil; we must positively do good and patiently pursue peace (v. 14)."
Convicting, because I've become increasingly aware of the amount of foolishness that comes out of my mouth on a regular basis. I talk for the wrong reasons. I want to use my words to impress, to entertain, to make people think better of me. I so often speak as a means of taking from others, rather than speaking as a means of giving love/hope/peace/etc. If I fear the Lord, it is His wisdom that will come out of my mouth, and I won't feel the need to fill conversation with self-seeking and useless words. If"out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks," my heart is not filled with what it should be filled with (Matt. 12:34).
Here's where you come in. If you are in conversation with me, and I am speaking foolishness, stop me. If my conversation seems self-seeking, if I'm focused on me instead of being focused on you, call me out. I genuinely want to be someone who is known for the depth of her love for others, as seen in the way she listens, cares, responds with sincerity. Yet, so often that level of genuine conversation must come from a level of vulnerability to which I am scared to go, from a security that it really doesn't matter what you think of me because it's not about me at all. Hopefully, as I learn to fear the Lord my perspective will continue to shift - I will further internalize that it's not about me at all, so vulnerability is not something to be afraid of but something to welcome, because my identity comes only from Christ on the cross.
Please help me in this.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Sports!
As most of you know, I'm a big sports fan. It's not so much that I cheer for particular teams, it's more that I just really love sports in general - watching, playing, analyzing, etc. That's why days like today are so great. Today, I watched my BTA boys play basketball in their fall league (we're going to be VERY good this year), then watched US Open tennis (the Oudin-Sherapova match was a nail-biter) and college football (lots of blowouts, of course, but the Notre Dame game was fun) with friends.
It's a really good thing I like sports, because soccer season has started and will consume most of my life for the next two months. I'm not sure I'm ready for this!
It's a really good thing I like sports, because soccer season has started and will consume most of my life for the next two months. I'm not sure I'm ready for this!
Friday, September 4, 2009
The childlike part
I played Capture the Flag yesterday with 60 middle schoolers... 60 middle schoolers and me (a teaching faculty is apparently not as participatory as a camp staff). At one point, I was being pursued by a very small 6th grade boy. Just as I started to slow up to let him tag me, I started to fall. In the end, he tagged me at the moment I launched forward into a head first slide on the grass. His reaction was perfect: huge smile, loud cheer, inflated ego. He had single-handedly tackled a teacher.
Middle school is a funny group to work with (and thankfully, I only work with them from a distance). The sixth graders come in as kids - they're so excited to try everything (bring on the food relay, let me in that sumo wrestling suit, watch me eat my weight in s'mores), to make new friends, etc. Then, by eighth grade, they're too cool, too tough, too jaded (no way I'll shove a twinkie into my mouth, sumo suits smell, s'mores are too messy). They are already well-aware of how to play the "cool game", how to moderate and adapt their actions to project only the cool part of themselves to others... they've created less-than-genuine versions of themselves and that's what they let others see.
In the book Posers, Fakers, Wannabes, Brennan Manning and James Hancock talk about the importance of childlike innocence in our spiritual lives (in comparison to the carefully edited, well-manicured lives of the Pharisees). They write, "We have spread so many coats of whitewash over the historical Jesus that we scarcely see the glow of his presence anymore. Jesus is a man in a way that we have forgotten men can be: truthful, blunt, emotional, nonmanipulative, sensitive, compassionate - so liberated that he did not feel it unmanly to cry, so secure he could engage anyone head-on and deal with them right where they were. Underneath all our coverup, the gospel portrait of the beloved child of Abba is a man exquisitely in touch with his emotions and uninhibited in expressing them."
In the past weeks, I have repeatedly felt sick about my interactions with others. When I, for whatever reason, begin to edit who I am, I project a sickeningly over-confident version of myself. I talk instead of listen (even though I really want to listen); I tell stories to make myself seem more confident, more in control, less vulnerable to anything. That's the root of it - I project a "tough-girl" image because I don't want people to see that I might need help, that I might not have the answer, that I might not be good at something... because then, maybe they won't really want me around.
I need help in being held accountable to honesty and vulnerability in my life. I need to know that it's ok to risk making a mistake, not knowing the answer, messing up on a responsibility... that my identity isn't in what I do.
Middle school is a funny group to work with (and thankfully, I only work with them from a distance). The sixth graders come in as kids - they're so excited to try everything (bring on the food relay, let me in that sumo wrestling suit, watch me eat my weight in s'mores), to make new friends, etc. Then, by eighth grade, they're too cool, too tough, too jaded (no way I'll shove a twinkie into my mouth, sumo suits smell, s'mores are too messy). They are already well-aware of how to play the "cool game", how to moderate and adapt their actions to project only the cool part of themselves to others... they've created less-than-genuine versions of themselves and that's what they let others see.
In the book Posers, Fakers, Wannabes, Brennan Manning and James Hancock talk about the importance of childlike innocence in our spiritual lives (in comparison to the carefully edited, well-manicured lives of the Pharisees). They write, "We have spread so many coats of whitewash over the historical Jesus that we scarcely see the glow of his presence anymore. Jesus is a man in a way that we have forgotten men can be: truthful, blunt, emotional, nonmanipulative, sensitive, compassionate - so liberated that he did not feel it unmanly to cry, so secure he could engage anyone head-on and deal with them right where they were. Underneath all our coverup, the gospel portrait of the beloved child of Abba is a man exquisitely in touch with his emotions and uninhibited in expressing them."
In the past weeks, I have repeatedly felt sick about my interactions with others. When I, for whatever reason, begin to edit who I am, I project a sickeningly over-confident version of myself. I talk instead of listen (even though I really want to listen); I tell stories to make myself seem more confident, more in control, less vulnerable to anything. That's the root of it - I project a "tough-girl" image because I don't want people to see that I might need help, that I might not have the answer, that I might not be good at something... because then, maybe they won't really want me around.
I need help in being held accountable to honesty and vulnerability in my life. I need to know that it's ok to risk making a mistake, not knowing the answer, messing up on a responsibility... that my identity isn't in what I do.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I'm a stress-case
A picture from today.
Apparently a family of turkeys has taken up residence in the school's neighborhood. On the way home from soccer tryouts my girls first chased the turkeys (as pictured above) and were then followed by the turkeys (not pictured). If you knew these girls, this picture would be far funnier... they're funny girls. They're great girls. They're part of the reason I do what I do... the main reason.
Today was day 1 of the middle school retreat (the poor middle school advisors are currently sleeping on their classroom floors surrounded by 6th-8th graders...). Tomorrow afternoon the upper schoolers come. This is going to be quite a fall...
Apparently a family of turkeys has taken up residence in the school's neighborhood. On the way home from soccer tryouts my girls first chased the turkeys (as pictured above) and were then followed by the turkeys (not pictured). If you knew these girls, this picture would be far funnier... they're funny girls. They're great girls. They're part of the reason I do what I do... the main reason.
Today was day 1 of the middle school retreat (the poor middle school advisors are currently sleeping on their classroom floors surrounded by 6th-8th graders...). Tomorrow afternoon the upper schoolers come. This is going to be quite a fall...
Using the community God has given me
I sent many of you a message either telling you about this blog, reminding you of this blog, or letting you know I'm resurrecting this blog. Those of you who know me well know that I have some very strong feelings about relationship and community in Christ. Those of you who haven't born with me patiently as I have expressed these feelings need only to peruse past blog posts to get a glimpse (I'm reopening this blog with hesitation, however, because I am slightly afraid of what I may have written in the past). You are the community that God has given me, and I need you to help speak truth into my life. So, I'm asking you to read as I blog and to dialogue with me about where I'm going and what God has for me to do, as well as what in me needs to change in order to be the person God wants for me to be (C.S. Lewis talks about us as blocks of stone, and God's chisel must shape us into the shape he has for us).
As many of you are aware, I am going in to my third year of teaching at Boston Trinity Academy in Boston, MA. BTA is a distinctively Christian school which strives to provide an academically rigorous education to a very diverse population of students (reflecting the diversity of the city around us as well as the diversity within the body of Christ). I love what I do here. I recognize that teaching history and English, coaching soccer, and advising students is a very effective way to do what I feel God has both called and uniquely gifted me to do: equip young people to honestly and intentionally explore the reality of their sinful nature as well as their unique and incredibly, overwhelmingly rich identity in Christ, so they can practically and excellently pursue bringing that transformational message to the world around them. Yet, as I grow in Christ, I need to be open to pursuing new experiences (education, vocation, etc.) that will equip me to more effectively fulfill that calling.
I want to use this blog as a means of sharing with you what I'm thinking, struggling, praying, living through and as a way to hopefully seek guidance from you: people I love and care about, people whose opinions and hearts I respect, people who know me (to varying degrees) completely - both the good and bad.
Today during a faculty prayer time, we prayed through Isaiah 55. I've read this passage many times; my junior year in high school I picked this chapter as "my favorite" (how do we do that... choose one Bible passage as better than the rest?) and have returned to it many times since. Yet, today, one part stood out to me that had never really struck me before.
Isaiah 55:2-3 says,
"2 Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
3 Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David. "
Some of you may not believe me, but I am not a person who welcomes change. I'm not someone who is confident in new situations (although I am someone who appears overly confident in most situations - whether the confidence is genuine or I am merely projecting the confidence as a means of covering over what I see as my faults, things people won't like about me). This passage hit me repeatedly this morning for 2 reasons. 1. So much of my efforts are spent "spending my money" on what I think will enrich my life, make me happy, help others, better the world, yet I truly struggle to stop and really listen to the Lord and eat what is good. And 2. God's covenant with His people is everlasting. It's not me... I'm not an individual. I am a part of God's everlasting covenant. I need to listen to God and merely obey. The weight of change is not on my shoulders, because my shoulders are incapable, sinful, weak, selfish, etc. First, I must listen and obey... secondly, I must listen and obey... thirdly, I must listen and obey... that's it. (In general, I'm awful at listening).
Yesterday I had the opportunity to share a devotional with the faculty. I played the hymn "Jesus Paid it All." I want to put the words here, but if you have access to the song, go listen to it (or YouTube it). I need to be continually, incessantly reminded that my identity comes only from Christ on the Cross and that Christ on the Cross should be the motivating factor of all that I do.
1. I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”
* Refrain:
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
2. For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim;
I’ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calv’ry’s Lamb.
3. And now complete in Him,
My robe, His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest.
4. Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.
5. When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
“Jesus died my soul to save,”
Shall rend the vaulted skies.
6. And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus’ feet.
As many of you are aware, I am going in to my third year of teaching at Boston Trinity Academy in Boston, MA. BTA is a distinctively Christian school which strives to provide an academically rigorous education to a very diverse population of students (reflecting the diversity of the city around us as well as the diversity within the body of Christ). I love what I do here. I recognize that teaching history and English, coaching soccer, and advising students is a very effective way to do what I feel God has both called and uniquely gifted me to do: equip young people to honestly and intentionally explore the reality of their sinful nature as well as their unique and incredibly, overwhelmingly rich identity in Christ, so they can practically and excellently pursue bringing that transformational message to the world around them. Yet, as I grow in Christ, I need to be open to pursuing new experiences (education, vocation, etc.) that will equip me to more effectively fulfill that calling.
I want to use this blog as a means of sharing with you what I'm thinking, struggling, praying, living through and as a way to hopefully seek guidance from you: people I love and care about, people whose opinions and hearts I respect, people who know me (to varying degrees) completely - both the good and bad.
Today during a faculty prayer time, we prayed through Isaiah 55. I've read this passage many times; my junior year in high school I picked this chapter as "my favorite" (how do we do that... choose one Bible passage as better than the rest?) and have returned to it many times since. Yet, today, one part stood out to me that had never really struck me before.
Isaiah 55:2-3 says,
"2 Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
3 Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David. "
Some of you may not believe me, but I am not a person who welcomes change. I'm not someone who is confident in new situations (although I am someone who appears overly confident in most situations - whether the confidence is genuine or I am merely projecting the confidence as a means of covering over what I see as my faults, things people won't like about me). This passage hit me repeatedly this morning for 2 reasons. 1. So much of my efforts are spent "spending my money" on what I think will enrich my life, make me happy, help others, better the world, yet I truly struggle to stop and really listen to the Lord and eat what is good. And 2. God's covenant with His people is everlasting. It's not me... I'm not an individual. I am a part of God's everlasting covenant. I need to listen to God and merely obey. The weight of change is not on my shoulders, because my shoulders are incapable, sinful, weak, selfish, etc. First, I must listen and obey... secondly, I must listen and obey... thirdly, I must listen and obey... that's it. (In general, I'm awful at listening).
Yesterday I had the opportunity to share a devotional with the faculty. I played the hymn "Jesus Paid it All." I want to put the words here, but if you have access to the song, go listen to it (or YouTube it). I need to be continually, incessantly reminded that my identity comes only from Christ on the Cross and that Christ on the Cross should be the motivating factor of all that I do.
1. I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”
* Refrain:
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
2. For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim;
I’ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calv’ry’s Lamb.
3. And now complete in Him,
My robe, His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest.
4. Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.
5. When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
“Jesus died my soul to save,”
Shall rend the vaulted skies.
6. And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus’ feet.
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