When it's hard to understand...

It's hard to explain what's going on with me, with my family, now. As I mentioned earlier, my Grandfather is in ICU struggling to recover from ARDS. Some days the prognosis is grim, others, like today, we have great reason to hope. Regardless, the frailty of life is evident in these moments.

Additionally, my great-uncle Miles, who has been struggling with Parkinson's disease for about a decade, took a drastic turn for the worse today. His wife, my aunt Grace, is the sister of my grandfather. She returned from visiting my grandfather in NJ to find her husband sick, and it seems unlikely that he will recover. His battle, and hers as well, has been long indeed.

And yet, my cousin Sarah gave birth to a healthy baby boy this morning. This is my grandfather's 3rd great-grandchild, with another due in the beginning of August.

It is hard to see God's plan at times like these, when it seems that everything is happening at once. On Saturday I head to Maine for a month of camp in the wilderness. How can I go when Grandpa is so sick? What about Uncle Miles? Why now? Why all at once?

Driving home tonight from small group, I was reminded of a song that we sang often the year of the big accident at Taylor. It goes like this:

If you say go, we will go
If you say wait, we will wait
If you say step out on the water
and they say it can't be done
We will fix our eyes on you and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways
and the plans that you have laid
are good and true
If you call us to the fire
You will not withdraw your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for you

And through it all, my mind keeps returning to who God is. God indeed is good, all the time.

From MI to MA to NJ...

I spent the last week at Grace Adventures, hanging out with the high schoolers I spent the last few summers with.  It was a great experience and fun to be back with those kids.  Monday night of last week I got a phone call that my Grandfather who had been taken to the hospital for a fever and other persistent symptoms had been moved to ICU with ARDS - Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome.  Throughout the week, his condition continued to worsen, and on Thursday they put him on a ventilator and decided to heavily sedate him.  Therefore, when I flew back to Boston on Sat. PM, my sister picked me up and we drove to New Jersey.

I'm currently in NJ, where my grandfather is still in critical condition but stable.  I plan to head back to Boston on Wed., pack for the rest of the summer, and then head up to Maine on Sat.

God is faithful and, while this is far from how I expected to spend my week between camps, I am so thankful that I had these days off and was able to come down and spend these days with my family.  Grandpa has lived an incredible life of humble devotion to his Father, and I know that our faithful God will heal him if He wills it.  

This morning my grandparents' huge family Bible was open to Psalm 104, and I found the words comforting. Instead of speaking of healing or comfort, it speaks of the overwhelming majesty of God.  At times when I feel the most worried, or the most sad, it is powerful to remember who God is and to marvel that He chose us to be His children.

Home

Back in Michigan for a week before stopping back in Boston briefly on my way to northern Maine.

It's summer for sure.

Not anymore...

It's official. I am no longer a first year teacher. My school year ended at approximately 2pm today, when I finished proofing the last report card and logged out of our gradebook program.

My friend Sara and I then spent the rest of the afternoon wandering Harvard Square, barely able to maintain sensible conversation.

The major goal of the summer - read all of the Harry Potter books.

Mourning broken relationships...

Over the past few days I've thought, more frequently than normal, about relationships that have been broken. Not breakups, per say, but friendships that once were very close and now are no longer.

Today, I saw a picture of a good friend with whom I am no longer in contact, and it physically hurt. My chest hurt, I could feel the sadness in my stomach, and for a moment I felt true grief. I wonder if that friend grieves the loss of me, too.

To me, broken friendships are evidence of the fall, and the fact that I grieve over the loss of a friend is a symptom of my longing for a better place, a place where petty differences and selfish motives do not keep us from loving as we should. From each one I can learn how to not allow my flaws to prevent me from truly loving, but I cannot seem to go back and restore what was lost.

So, here's to Heaven, where we will love and be loved perfectly.

I do not know what I do not know

A few days ago I was having a conversation with one of my students, a freshman boy. He was telling me about how when he's a senior he's going to own the school, he'll be in charge of everything, blah blah blah. He's kind of a stick-it-to-the-man, anti-establishment, I'm-an-atheist-because-no-one-else-here-is kind of kid.... he loves rock bands and hates school uniforms. I love him, but he rarely ever makes any sort of a logical argument about anything. Yet, the beauty of my job is that I get to help kids like him form logical reasoning for their variety of strongly held beliefs. So, I started asking him a few questions, he answered some, and then I told him I had a phrase for him to memorize and think about, and I'd ask him about it when he was a senior. I said, "You do not know what you do not know."

He just looked at me, blinked a few times, smiled his fantastic smile, and said, "Miss, that doesn't make any sense."

We use that phrase at Grace. It's part of the Leadership Journey curriculum. It pops in to my mind regularly, and today I needed to be reminded of it especially. Sometimes I feel this heavy need - the need to figure it all out, to work out what's best for my life. I take the mindset that God has entrusted me with pieces, and it's up to me to put them all together. Every decision becomes so much more monumental that way - if I don't put the piece in the right place, I mess up God's plan. But, that's so not how it is.

God is putting all of the pieces together in His time and in His pattern. I need to trust that if a piece doesn't go where I want it to, I'm still ok, because every piece goes where God wants it to.

I do not know what I do not know.

I've moved.

I'll show whole apartment pictures later, but here are some pics of my new room. It's not 100% done yet, but it's getting there.